Probably Never See Happen in Star Trek:
1. The Enterprise
runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered
several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists,
who are all perfectly all right.
3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet
called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However,
everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform,
which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform,
wearing a silly hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien
plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface
to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten
to bring the right leads.
7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed
as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
8. A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user
of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century
surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another
without serious incident.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and
dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can
blame it on in the end.
13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon,
which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise,
but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal
with it to everyone's satisfaction.
17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright,
19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance
is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if
successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power
throughout the quadrant."
20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck
without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on
24. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly
25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's
26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have
Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did
he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's
27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering
visual range no one says "On screen."
28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to
respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this
wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it
5 times without rewinding the tape).
30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being
a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends
of his own age for a change.
31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe
as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy
genius Wesley Crusher.
33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they
work better than ever.
34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without
having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard
is in the room.
35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy
36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he
visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of
38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less
advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet
39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and
lives to tell the tale.
40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for
not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about
one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive
42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or
even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before
she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
45. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack
by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood"
or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot
save the day.
46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's
inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.
A man walked into a cowboy
bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on
the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television
and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've
ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood
up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary
Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass
too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of
the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him
off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back
up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
One night, a Delta twin-engine
puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey.
There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael
Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie.
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in
the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began
to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the
pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have
good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about
to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are
four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the
pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in
a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's
greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I
think the world's greatest athlete should have a
parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the
remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and
into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said,
"Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world
needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should
have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he
jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one
another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he
said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the
bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of
you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the
The hippie smiled slowly and jokes,
"Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just
jumped out wearing my backpack."
Bill Gates died in a
car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized
up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not
sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all,
you enormously helped society by putting a computer in
almost every home in the world and yet you created that
ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never
done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide
where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference
between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places
briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but
where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave
that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell
first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running
around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking
about. The sun was shining and the temperature was
perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told
God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels
drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice
but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick
minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer
Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you
desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late
billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God
arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall,
screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was
being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything
going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I
expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened
to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful
women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty
divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge
about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't
legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is
mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she
was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"
Michael Jackson is walking out
from the operating room after his wife gave birth to
their son. Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can
have sex?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is
Two of Clinton's sperm are
swimming around in Monica, when one of the sperm looks
at the other and says," Hey I think we are coming close
to the ovaries"... the other looks at the other sperm
and says," Hey relax we just passed the tonsils."
One day three midgets decided they
wanted to be in the record books the fist one says "I
have pretty short arms", so he goes and succeeds. The
second one says "I have pretty short legs," so he goes
and succeeds. The third one says "I have a very small
penis," and when he comes back he says "Who the hell is
A man was walking in the woods and
came to a cottage where the walls were covered with
clocks. He asked the woman who owned the cottage what
all the clocks were for. She replied that everyone in
the world had a clock, and every time you told a lie
your clock advanced a second. He saw a clock that was
hardly moving and when he remarked about it he was told
that it was Mother Terisia's. He then asked where Bill
Clinton's clock was. The woman replied "It's in the
kitchen, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
Steven Spielberg was busy
discussing his new action adventure about famous
classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone
and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you
want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've
always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play
him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's
the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?"
Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach,"
Superman is flying around one day
and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting
on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the
best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him
that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells
him that he couldn't do that to her because they have
been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman
then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to
him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece
of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder
Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled
Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then
notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread
Eagle. He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I
can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what
hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4
seconds he's back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman
looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says:
"I don't know but my ass hurts!"
Lisa Marie's Divorce
Allegations Against Michael Jackson
Wouldn't drink beer, watch
football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving
with Mom at Graceland.
Refused her pleas for separate
Unwilling to try new things in
bed...like her for instance.
Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen
chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But what's with
the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?
In all their months of marriage
not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter
sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like
Poppa did for Momma.
Had her favorite noses (June 1994
and September 1995) done over.
She was shocked to discover that
the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real
He started hanging out with
Madonna's dancers to toughen up his image.
Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth
Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation.
Stood in the way of her film
career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance
in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's
The all-night Kool Aid and Twister
marathons with his little friends left him too tired to
do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with.
She felt pressured to buy hundreds
of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products
for the sake of family peace.
Jermaine and Tito were constantly
asking her why Elvis didn't have kids THEY could marry.
Swears she thought she was
marrying Michael Keaton.
She grew tired of scouring every
Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius only to find him
slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and
He told her to "just beat it" one
too many times.
He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and
she had clearly gone "Hollywood".
She wanted someone more like her
father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of
his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.
He kept forgetting to put the top
back on the mascara.
Sean Connery was interviewed by
Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years
of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too
forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's
go back to my place."
So they go back to her place and
have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think
that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can
have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my
balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand."
Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He
sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even
better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful.
But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the
best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left
hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used
to the routine and complies. The results are mind
Once it's all over, and the
cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my
holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my
right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean
replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from
Melbourne, she stole my wallet."